


Scarred Through and Through

by humaankameleonn (nainai96)



Category: Teen Wolf (TV)
Genre: Angst, Body Image, Community: beacon_hills, I Don't Even Know, I'm Sorry, It was happy then i got sad and it followed in my footsteps, It was supposed to be fluff, M/M, Other, Results of Violence, Reverance, Sad Derek, Sad Stiles, Scars, Self-Acceptance, Self-Hatred, Suicidal Ideation, Suicidal Thoughts, Triggers, What Was I Thinking?, unhealthy thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-04-01
Updated: 2013-04-25
Packaged: 2017-12-07 05:05:33
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 756
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/744579
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nainai96/pseuds/humaankameleonn
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Stiles is broken everywhere visible.  He's covered in scars and everything is either numb or hurts so bad it's like the injury is fresh.  Stiles is ugly and cracked and sad.  Stiles is shattered.</p><p>Derek disagrees.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Shattered

**Author's Note:**

> My fill for the Hurt square of the Beacon Hills Creative Bingo Card. The first chapter is from Stiles' POV and the second is Derek's. Minor trigger warning for self-hatred type things. The first chapter is kind of happy the second is sad. Beware!

Stiles is broken. He’s very clear about it, knowing his limits and why. 

He’s got extensive scarring to remember each of his battles by. They range from slight and barely visible to an inch wide, almost deep enough to strike the bone and shaded an angry red. He has them criss-crossing his torso, from armpit to sternum and from left collarbone down to his iliac crest. They’re numb and tight, pulling at the rest of his flesh when he bends the wrong way, no matter how much cocoa butter and Bio Oil he uses. He can’t really twist his upper body anymore without feeling like his skin is being torn from his body. 

He snapped a tendon in his left hand from thin rope moving too fast below his palm, so his ring finger is useless. 

The bones in his hands, wrists, feet and ankles are smashed together and stiff in the morning and during late nights. Most of his fingers and toes don’t sit straight like they should. His right arm doesn’t straighten out properly either. 

His hips are constantly under strain from the way he walks now that some of his thigh muscle has atrophied and his knee is constantly on fire from the embedded shrapnel. 

Even his face is marred with scars that show through his stubble. A zigzag down his temple. A curved line through his eyebrow.

Stiles is broken and disgusting and in pain.

But he’s going to do just fine.


	2. A Lesson in Reverance and Self-Hatred

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Stiles may think he's shattered but Derek disagrees; he sees nothing but light and beauty and perfection in Stiles.
> 
> But as much glory as he spies in Stiles, he only sees darkness and stupidity and worthlessness and _thickslowheaviness_ in his own reflection. 
> 
> Or, Nailah wanted fluff but got depressed and the fic got sad(der).

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This has a lot of zero self-esteem!Derek and self-hatred and suicidal ideation and it's not happy in the slightest, okay?

Stiles is strong and beautiful and sometimes Derek wishes that he could be him forever because Stiles is fifty times smarter, and braver and just _better_ than he could ever be.  Stiles is worthier of the werewolf gene anyways, worthy to be the recipient of such a special gift.  He’s no doubt that Stiles, if given the chance, would be the best Alpha that his Betas could ask for.

Stiles knows how to think strategically, even when faced with monsters who are aching with the temptation to strip his soft freckled skin from his bones.  He’s empathetic and emotive with a knack for noticing the little things.  There’s no doubt that even as a human, he’s a great addition to the pack.  But as a wolf, even as a Beta, there’s no doubt that he would immediately become the second in command, outranking both Boyd and Danny.  He’s a menace in Derek’s dreams, gloating about how much better an Alpha he would be for the pack before grinning maniacally and tearing this throat out.

The sad thing is that these dreams are exactly that: dreams.  They don’t terrorize him at all in a nightmarish fashion.  In fact, it brings him comfort to know that if Derek dies, between Stiles and Danny, the pack would probably do better than they are now.  

Sometimes Derek finds himself staring at his reflection imagining what his life would be like if Stiles was in his place and he in Stiles’.  He doubts that, even then, he would be able to be any kind of help.  He’s not got the pure earnestness and wit and intelligence and love radiating from his heart like Stiles does.  He’s a beast made of repetition and violence, muscular and thick where Stiles is light and lithe.        

As a human, he would have very little to offer the pack; not enough like Stiles to really be worth the amount of effort that it takes to keep the human safe.  He doubts that he’d even be in the Pack as anything more than bait to lure the Creature of the Week out to be killed.  With Stiles as Alpha, Derek doubts that there would even be a Creature anymore; as Alpha, Stiles would be so strong that any supernatural being that came within a hundred miles of Beacon Hills would turn tail and run.  They’d be safe, for real, able to sit and actually study and graduate with honours and be open and not jaded and everything that Derek isn’t and that would be.  It would be perfection and it’s times like this that Derek thinks of the lockbox in the bottom of his desk and how simple it would be to pull the trigger and leave the rest to Fate.

But he won’t because even he knows that Stiles loves him even though he’s useless and stupid. 

Even though he’s worthless.

And that’s enough to make him put down the key that he’s been fondling and step outside, take a deep breath, and hold Stiles close for one more day.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading, I hope you enjoyed it! 
> 
> If anyone is interested, I'm looking for a beta for whom I could also beta if you'd like.
> 
> my tumblr is humaankameleon.tumblr.com.

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you liked it. If you are interested, I'm on the look out for a beta. Msg me at my tumblr (humaankameleonn.tumblr.com) if you're interested.


End file.
